Haircuts for Jesus

Religion is always at its best when its at its most hilarious,
In the United States the people holding the "most hilarious" title , are the rapture-ready fundamentalist Christians. These are the Hal Lindsey, Tim LaHaye, Left Behind folks, a cheery group of people who are impatiently waiting for the return of Jesus Christ, their own ascendancy into heaven and the Mad Max apocalypse which will follow.
In general the idea behind "The Rapture" involves Jesus's return, the magical transformation of thei believers own bodies into "resurrection bodies" and the subsequent ascendancy into heaven which is apparently above the earth's surface and just under the lower stratosphere, curiously enough this is also the location of the Care Bear city.

The Rapture also involves a complex series of events including mythical Lord Of the Rings style wars between good and evil, nuclear destruction, the rise of the anti-Christ and overall mayham
I can summarize the division of the world during the rapture as follows:

Believers

The rest of us

A while back i came across Rapture Ready - a little gem of a message board and website
The site can be described as a collection of news articles and events pertaining to the coming rapture, or as i like to describe it the bat-shit ravings of D&D style religious fanatics.
The "news" section of the website has this lovely banner for example:

Ahh yes at first glance it would seem as if the flags of Israel and the US will be fighting this Sunday at Madison Square Garden as part of a Pay Per View special, and at 2nd glance it would seem that Photoshop has finally made its way into the hands of retards.

Some sections on the site include the End Times Top 10, Rapture News, and off course the Rapture Index which is an incredibly accurate method of figuring out an index of all end-times related activities. As the website itself puts it

You could say the Rapture index is a Dow Jones Industrial Average of end time activity, but I think it would be better if you viewed it as prophetic speedometer. The higher the number, the faster we're moving towards the occurrence of pre-tribulation rapture.

I wish this was a joke, but its not. Much like the Nasdq provides important information to the business community, the Rapture Index provides important information to assholes.

Probably the most hilarious thing about the rapture index is the implementation of a point system and values for specific types of occurrences:

False Christs - 3 points
Satanism - 2 points (i would have though Satanism would do better)
Oil Supply/Price - 4 points)
Mark of the Beast - 3 points - (ahh nothing like putting a point value to an abstract concept - douchebags
Beast Government - 3 points - (seriously, wtf?)
Climate - 3 points
Liberalism - 4 points - (beats out weather apparently)

This list goes on and on, providing an endless wealth of entertainment and horror, besides the blatant hysterical nonsense there is something a bit sad about the fact that a human being in 21st century US would check this site on a daily basis, in terror and anticipation, a person who has the mental capacity to get online, drive, and go shopping, that same person can look at this as a serious analyses of the coming Armageddon.
and for those requiring a timeline of the events to come, there is help:

wow thank you for showing me what 7 divided by 2 is.

The message board
ohh yes the Rapture Ready message board divided into such wonderful sections as: Last Days Events, Gog/Magog, Prophecy & The End Times, and much more. This is turly the realm of the lunatic, an almost childish need to associate every single occurrence on the planet to an imminent return of god and the apocalypse to follow.
The best way to explain just what levels of retardation are reached here would be to share some highlighted quotes , enjoy:

From a user by the name of "Not Perfect, But Forgiven" a response to an asinine question regarding ... well you'll see:

Well, I can totally agree with your actions. I've been getting regular haircuts in anticipation of the Rapture. I'm not sure if our hair will continue to grow in our glorified bodies, maybe it will? So, just in case I started making sure my hair always looks nice for Jesus. I really do feel like I'm getting ready for a wedding someday

That's right , the man gets regular haircuts so that when Jesus raptures him into heaven he can look his best. thats right this maniac feels that whatever condition your hair is in at the moment of ascendancy into heaven , that is the particular style of hair you will keep for all eternity, and on top of that Jesus somehow cares about how often you use conditioner. Sorry everyone who died between 1981 and 1990 you are stuck with shitty haircuts for ever

Another little nugget this one was in response to pictures of high elevation particle clouds taken by NASA:

I'm sure we'll spend most of the 7 years up there going "WOW!!" "NO WAY!!" "WHOA!!" "IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!!" Yep, that's what I think. If my God made this world in 7 days, then I know He's making something maddeningly beautiful for me these past 2,000 years.

Okay so apparently he sees god as a tour guide working for the past 2,000 years to create a George Lucas special effects display just for your viewing pleasure. Id rather he took care of world hunger, war, poverty, and not something for you to shout "No Way !!" at, you dummy.